First reported by CNN, Nissin’s Cup Noodles have decided, against all good sense, to try and corner the energy drink market by making custom RGB gamer noodles—which are caffeinated, because of course they are.
A news release reads: “Nissin Foods is launching a new ‘gamer-friendly’ product for the first time in its history from its flagship brands Cup Noodles and Nissin Curry Meshi.” I don’t know if I pick up ‘friendly’ vibes from these things, though they are promised to be “soup-free” so you don’t get your sticky, caffeinated gamer hands all over your pro setup.
The release also promised these unholy vessels are “the strongest buff meshi”—meshi being a general term for a meal of cooked rice. I might just be outing my occasional stomach issues here, but I cannot think of a stronger debuff than the sheer indigestion of slamming a cup noodle dosed with caffeine at 3AM. But I’m not a visionary food pioneer like the dark sorcerers of Nissin Foods, so what do I know?
Generally speaking, food companies targeting gamers (or people with digestive tracts stronger than mine, whose souls are untouched by fear) is not a new thing. Final Fantasy 14’s had plenty of cursed food crossovers, like Grubhub promotions that offered the most delicious treats of all—cool emotes for your MMO character. Energy drinks and their ilk have also been geared towards gamers basically forever.
But this feels like a step too far, like mankind laying the last bricks in the tower of babel. Is it really too much to simply eat some instant noodles with an energy drink on the side? I guess that’d just make the whole gastrointestinal issue worse if the drink’s carbonated—and now I’m imagining carbonated noodles. I hate it here.
In case you want to betray your body and live in Japan, these things hit the market September 18 and come in two flavours, garlic with black pepper yakisoba and curry. They’ll be available for 280 and 298 yen respectively, which shakes out to around $2 (or £1.50) a pop.